Explaining Chuck Norris Facts to Wes.

In partnership with

So this one is going to be a bit different. Well, a lot different. Our feeds are increasingly being filled with AI-generated/copy-and-pasted/templatable slop - especially LinkedIn. So, I’m just going to sit down and tell a human story. A stupid story that people find hilarious whenever I tell it, so I figured why not just put it into writing.

In my early 20s, after returning from a stint in Vancouver that mostly involved snowboarding and sampling the very high quality botanical output of British Columbia, I returned to Melbourne with my now wife, and had to get a job. And I got a job in a call center for ANZ (a major Australian bank). See, now you’re imagining me working in a bank - it’s already funny.

To be fair, it was actually a more chill place to work than you might think. The CEO at the time was a dude named John McFarlane, who was often referred to as ‘the hippie CEO’, and the vibes were reasonably uncorporate for a bank. You could rock up in fairly casual attire, mess about, do your thing, and go home. And there were all sorts of weird and wonderful misfits in the building. Some who’ve gone on to do some really cool things. I was also a rapper at the time (see, again - funny) and quickly discovered that I wasn’t alone. There were two other rappers on the same floor (and I mean, like people actually putting out music and touring), a graffiti artist, a drum n’ bass DJ, and some other hip hop heads, and once we’d all discovered each other we became good mates. And started ‘The Forum’.

‘The Forum’ was basically a group e-mail chain that we were all in. For the youngsters out there no cap fr fr, a ‘group e-mail chain’ is like a ‘group chat’ before there were group chats. But it’s just a long never ending e-mail. And it was how we survived the day, given the type of folks we were, this was a day job to get through and ‘the forum’ helped us do just that. Stupid running in-jokes, music chat, debates and arguments, just a stream of nonsense. Now, using corporate e-mail to run a giant unfiltered and likely at times problematic group e-mail chain probably wasn’t the brightest idea, but like I said, the place was surprisingly chill, we were still doing our jobs, and no issues had ever come of it. (We did once have IT ask us why our e-mail inboxes were like 100x larger than anyone else’s, prompting us to occasionally wipe the chain and start fresh, but that was it.)

Until one day I got called in to have a ‘1-on-1’ with Wes. Wes was like a manager somewhere above my manager, I suppose a senior manager, who I’d only ever briefly come across prior. He’d seemed like a pretty cool guy, tbh. But he was also like 6’4 or something and did not look in a pretty cool guy mood when I walked in the room. Wes proceeded to plonk on the table piles and piles of paper. Just stacks of paper. Like he was translating the entire Library of Alexandria.

“Does this look familiar?”

More and more paper. Hundreds of pages. It was ‘the forum’, but in print form. I was kinda confused as to how this had all come about and my blood was starting to run cold.

“We found this in the printer.”

WTF? the printer?

“Took about 2 hours. Just kept on printing.”

Apparently, much like the notorious ‘reply all’ e-mail chains that every company encounters now and then, I’d, with an apocalyptic slip of the finger, accidentally hit print on ‘the forum’ and spat out hundreds, maybe thousands, of pages of our dumbass e-mail conversations to some printer in the ANZ building. Fuck.

But, while looking pretty pissed off, and addressing me as if it was some sort of police interrogation, Wes hadn’t yet said anything really specific. No concrete allegations. Then he pushed a piece of paper forward.

“Care to explain this?”

On this piece of paper was a ‘customer number’ that we’d sent around the forum. A ‘customer number’ is basically a single, long number that identifies a particular customer and brings up all of their personal details. A pretty sensitive piece of information. As Wes started going into a spiel on ‘how serious this was’, my brain started piecing things together like one of those scenes in a movie where someone is solving a complex maths equation. THIS was why he was actually pissed off. Oh my god. Fuuuuuuck.

And then I smiled and nearly laughed out loud.

It was at about this point that Wes looked like he was ready to jump over the table and murder me. Understandably, given my response. Now, for this next bit I want you to really imagine this scenario. Imagine you’re me. Imagine you’re Wes. Either way, it’ll be funny.

After a reasonably long pause, and a few deep breaths. I finally said something.

“Ahhh, so… do you know what a Chuck Norris Fact is?”

Now, again, the look I’m getting here is a real ‘is this guy fucking serious?’, and it’s completely understandable. Because that is an insane response, complete batshit thing to say at this point, and it’s only going to keep getting more stupid from here. (I can’t remember if he said anything back at this point or just stared at me like one of those statues on Easter Island.)

“Ok, so… there’s like a running joke thing… about Chuck Norris. You know, Chuck Norris, right?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about and you’re going to need to start making some sense really quick-”

“Yeah, I know this sounds… bizarre, but just, stay with me…”

Again, for the younger members of the audience - a ‘Chuck Norris Fact’ is a vintage quality 90’s/2000s meme that was quite popular at the time with early internet age meme connoisseurs. A Chuck Norris fact goes something like this:

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

You get the gist. Just stupid (but funny) god-like ‘facts’ about Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris Facts were a popular running joke on ‘the forum’ at the time. I quickly scrambled through some of the pages around the customer number and found some ‘Chuck Norris Facts’ in the e-mail chain. I then, very seriously, completely deadpan, straight as an arrow, began explaining to Wes what a ‘Chuck Norris Fact’ was while showing him and reading out some Chuck Norris Facts while he looked at me like an executioner sharpening his axe in the town square of 15th century Prague.

Eventually, after some serious world-building around Chuck Norris, I got to the point.

“Ok, so this number here is not an actual customer.”

“What do you mean it’s not an actual customer?”

“If you enter this number into the system… it will come up as Chuck Norris.”

Now, again. Fuck me. The patience on this guy was incredible, I gotta be honest. I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like to be on the receiving end of this explanation. Obviously, for his sake, and yours, further explanation is required.

“So, you know how when we train new staff, we have to create a profile on the system, right? So you create a dummy profile, the system is full of them. So you just make something up. There’s like 50 Mickey Mouses in the system. Donald Duck. Hulk Hogan. People just make up fake profiles all the time when training people.”

It was at this point I could see Wes’s gears turning much like mine had previously. The last 20 minutes of ridiculous conversation coalescing into a series of fragmented puzzle pieces of idiocy that were starting to make some semblance of sense.

“So that number there in the e-mail is Chuck Norris. It’s not a customer. I swear to you, you go and enter that right now in the system - up will come Chuck Norris. I promise we have not been sharing sensitive customer info. It’s just Chuck Norris.”

I think there was a long pause on the other side of the table here as he scanned the table, looked at the customer number, looked at the Chuck Norris facts, looked at me, and then had a similar moment to mine earlier and fought off the tiniest creak of a smile.

“Right. So no customer information has been compromised at all?”

“No. Promise.”

“This number here, in the e-mails, when entered in the system, is just a dummy profile. Like for training.”

“Yes. Of Chuck Norris.”

“…of Chuck Norris.”

I reckon I caught a glint at this point. Just a look. A look that said ‘You absolute fucking idiot. You IDIOT. This is funny. But you are still an idiot.’

“The business was concerned that this was a privacy breach. So, the good news is that I can report back that it isn’t.”

Long pause.

“But… I am going to have to explain this.”

It was at this point I just about broke. I mean, like, come on. After all this. Now we’re sitting with the realisation that Wes gets to go back with the good news that nothing serious has actually happened, but he’s going to have to explain Chuck Norris Facts to someone even further up the chain. LOL. Like, come on, it’s just comedy gold. I think we both sat there for a minute or two saying nothing, but laughing internally. I don’t think either of us felt we could really laugh out loud, but we were sitting there looking at each other, and the scene before us, and just laughing deep in our souls. It was undeniably hilarious.

I got off pretty lightly, some kind of warning, and luckily for me, so did the rest of the forum (I was terrified I’d just gotten myself AND all my mates fired), Wes cleared it up and the world kept on turning. What a good guy in retrospect. If somehow this story finds its way to you, Wes, big props. Respect.

What is there to take from this stupid story for DTSA readers? Not sure, really. I just felt like writing something for the sake of writing it. Not for the algorithm or the vanity metrics or to fit into some kind of trend or to ‘leverage AI’. Just to write.

Life’s full of lessons, though.

If you’re feeling bogged down by the weight of expectation of conforming to algorithms or trends or tech and just want to free yourself of the shackles and be creative - just do something for the sake of it. It’ll feel good. If you’re thinking that you’re not quite where you need to be and may never get there, consider the fact that this stupid position is where I was some years ago. Now I run a business that looks after multi-million dollar brands. You’ll get there. Or if you recently messed up at work, maybe you can take solace in the fact that you didn’t print out 1000 pages of e-mails and now have to explain Chuck Norris Facts to Wes. Nothing’s as bad as it realy seems most of the time.

We’ll return to our regular programming next time.

How 15 Small Brands Achieved Remarkable Marketing Results

Stop believing you need a big budget to make an impact. Our latest collection highlights 15 small brands that transformed limited resources into significant market disruption through innovative thinking.

• Case studies revealing ingenious approaches to common marketing challenges

• Practical tactics that delivered 900%+ ROI with minimal investment

• Strategic frameworks for amplifying your brand without amplifying your budget

These actionable insights can be implemented immediately, regardless of your team or budget size. See how small brands are making big waves in today's market.

Get the case studies for free here.